Drama? shuffle & repeat please!

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Life seems to surprise me sometimes, the endless battles created in the mind. The drama, I´m not free of that, hell, some days I push repeat, touch shuffle play to create chaos, drama is so much better when you add spices. You should try it sometime! Why I do it? Add them all and mix´em up? So I can share blame, smile, bitch, smile, cry, smile, maybe analyze a bit more, so I can smile again. What I want, most days I have no idea. Like most women, we don’t necessarily know, we assume, and then fuck up after that point. But off course I want to be happy, sometimes happy means enjoying my own company, other nights it’s all about passion and lust, spending time with the ideal Alfa-male. A smart one though, I tend to set that as the main criteria, and fun, I like fun. Bad boys, good lips – you should try it sometime! But what I love, I really don’t know. I believe I can love, just not sure how much I´m willing to give up, never will I compromise on my individuality, go fish man… if you like that, seriously go fishing. But fish only please, I don’t play second violin. That´s all I know today, when I wake up tomorrow I might want something else. Bring it on, give me the menu so I can read, but aim to please me, without me telling you what I want, cause I don’t know, thought I did, but I don’t.

Dear Harvey

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I have been as deep as a person can be, shared all things – I couldn´t offer you anymore. I have been patient without asking for any guarantee, even continued to care when you have chosen someone else as your love. In fact, even though intelligent in life I solemnly agreed to be your second choice from the very start. I once said; admire me that much and not silently ask me to trust time to grow our love. I begged you to reveal your hidden empathy, stop repeating the words about uniqueness of a woman, to only be explained that you needed time to make a decision – cause we were alive then. “Scream with the strength of your lungs that you want me to be your woman. The one that you love, dream about and see”. Seasons changed, I felt the cold wind that started to whistle, the trust and admiration was a candle in a silent storm. The weather is greater than any game, like a blizzard I invested my all. Its not the things you said, cause you are a magician with words, its the things you didn´t do. “Just respect me enough to let me go”. I wanted true passion, cause what we had was pleasure, naked and real – but still, just a tease. “when I saw you for the first time, I just stopped. you blew me away. then when I talked with you I realised your looks was your second best asset”. You didn´t need any line or quote to capture my attention, it was there all along, you missed it cause you never took the time, you never truly looked. It´s impossible to define if you don´t pay attention, but I´m not her, I never was, and I never will be. So many people I know have truly loved, but then to let go. But I, I was probably the one who admired you the most – you, now you’re just you- and between you and me; if you offered me the world, I will say I have my own.

A woman’s worth

“All boys dream about a woman like you, but there is only one, you are really one of a kind – who would have thought that I should be so lucky , who would know that you would be mine?… wake up, press stop on my watch – we might be five more minutes; I know we are both busy, but why can’t we just stay here … suddenly we discovered the everyday life, even though we both said it was impossible for the two of us; our eyes forever in love, our minds forever attracted, our souls forever friends – perhaps it was naive to think? … My woman, please look at me now, you know I’m still so ridiculously in love – I can´t believe you are still here, close to me, next to me, with me – it´s all to much to breath in, unreal to comprehend … you are so adorable … I lie here while you are still sleeping and thinking to myself how lucky I am to wake up with the world’s most beautiful woman again … remember how the two of us could spend all night to talk about nothing … Suddenly it was waking up early, out the door, late home and hit the sack, one day I even packed my bags, stood up , ‘I ‘m not coming back ‘… how could I be saying that shit when I know deep inside; you are the one that I want! I could say it never will ‘ become ‘ the same – that we have argued for the last time … but I know you´re worth the fight, ever since the Stupid I have realized that we can´t be picture perfect, we both know its madness; crazy, stupid, but its our kind of love … Please look at me now, you know it’s still us against the whole world and you should know that I would do it all again for a woman like you, I was even thinking we could settle down…you are the very first thing I want to see, the reason why I hurry home, even if you are driving me crazy at times; you the one I love and my best friend … Now I lie still before we go to sleep and think to myself how lucky I am, and that I can say goodnight to the world’s most beautiful woman, again, today…”

Love her today, tomorrow she might be gone.

2014

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A new year to enter;
I´m leaving some thoughts behind.
All I want is to be happy,
find peace of mind.
Let laughter fill out every void;
don’t waste time on being annoyed.
Smile a little brighter each day,
look for good things and make them stay.
Engage in some great conversations,
across cultures, beyond nations.
Say yes when I really feel like saying no;
dare to dream, dare to grow.
Here´s to a fresh start;
use your mind and follow your heart.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Remember gentle words

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Dear friend, you are my person, whom I admire and trust, all you deserve is to be sprinkled with stardust. Your tremendous ability to care and treat people well, you deserve it all in return, put yourself under a spell. Speak gently to your inner soul; sometimes we all need to be reminded that it’s ok to grow. If you feel like having space, remember never to beat yourself up with inner rage. Repeat kind words as you were speaking to a dear friend of yours, find motivation, point out your own course. Sometimes your sense of direction gets off track in the heat, close your eyes, listen; your heart still beats. Soak in the beauty of visual surroundings and the hidden depth, cause you’re an important part to my life, and I will always treat you with respect. When you use your inner words to reflect on a choice, please be gentle, use a kind voice. To me your friendship is beyond reason to explain, close to my heart you will always remain.

My morning

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The sunlight wakes me up, teasing through the light curtains. Silence roars this bright early morning, it reveals its gentleness through the wind, capturing it all, I lie still and allow it all to sink in. The rich warm water caressing my naked body, I feel alive and free – ready to cease another day; do it my way. Soft cotton embraces my shoulders, the smell so fresh; water lily’s and honey makes me melt.  I find the softest materials to put on when I dress – maybe this is the day to impress. Coffee in the morning sun, shoulders feels relaxed, glory in mind, the genuine feeling of wanting to act kind. Then I hit the city streets in heels, music on the ear; whispering lyrics of love and passion through its beat. People passing by, today I give them my brightest smile. 

I will leave the light on.

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They say that the extremes are what really captures humans attention, that it is sometimes easier to feel strong when you feel provocation, hate, love, hurt, happiness – in any form, just as long as it is that one-of-a-kind, over-the-top, the too-good-to-be-true, that uncontrollable extreme. I can be the first to admit that everyday life at times can be so routine and boring that I urge to dramatize my life into becoming more action-filled, probably almost to a level where it is comparable to a thriller-drama-chick-flick-romantic-comedy. I laugh, and sometimes I cry – to only maybe figure out why. But when, and is it even possible to be content, furthermore happy with everyday life – the government grey, the predictable monday to friday? How is it that you sometimes wish you could be the average Julie, the girl that knew from age 15 what she wanted to be when she grew up, the girl that found a stable man while studying to only move in with him when around 25-ish. The kind of girl that works hard, is always understanding, loving and caring, spends her weekends baking cupcakes and going to the movies with her boyfriend. During her studies she got the right internships, and graduated top five of her class and after two job applications got that stabile, 8-4 work schedule and still have time for baking cupcakes? I still have to add that she is the same girl who travels Europe the summer when she turns twenty-eight, she travels with her boyfriend to only understand that they are more in love than ever (!!), and to discover herself on the top of the Eiffeltower or in front of the Fountain de Trevi with a 2 carat diamond-ring on her finger that he got from his mother. Listening to myself writing this, to be honest it bores me, does it bore you? Cause reality strikes, I would say it sometimes hit pretty hard. How many people do I know with that story, how many Julie´s do you know? Maybe more than me, but gosh – do I have great friends. Friends that have taken their ups and downs, laughed a little, cried a little. Friends that have woken up with a banging head-ache to only look into the hair of the charming boy they met last night while drinking tequila shots in his messy bachelor crib. Friends that did not finish top five at the university, maybe they didn´t enroll at all. Friends that have had their heart torn in ways I cannot even describe. Friends that did not get their career calling when aged fifteen, and still haven’t, even though they are passed twenty-ten. Friends that does not look like Victoria Secret models or Calvin Klein hunks when they wake up in the morning, or even after being to the spa. Friends that live in one-bed apartments because buying another is out of their economic range. Friends that have been played and played back, even some that have cheated and said hurtful things, and friends that don’t bake. It might be too honest and noting like we like to admit – but they are all so real – with flaws and all, I love them, unconditionally. But I will admit this much; between you and me, sometimes I wish I was her, the perfect Julie, because she does not on paper live the extremes, she is only drawn as an illusion by me, cause I know so few like her. With all her perfectness in life, she becomes an extreme in a society where the less charming reality strikes..
I will continue to travel the world, be kind of un-predictable at times, make my own case-studies, search for love that makes my knees like jello, collect friends with all flaws because they accept all of mine. The stories, I have a few, and they have allowed me to appreciate a specter of emotions, situations, people and all that life keeps on giving – the extremes you say? Normal…Never did I know how much I love you.