Drama? shuffle & repeat please!

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Life seems to surprise me sometimes, the endless battles created in the mind. The drama, I´m not free of that, hell, some days I push repeat, touch shuffle play to create chaos, drama is so much better when you add spices. You should try it sometime! Why I do it? Add them all and mix´em up? So I can share blame, smile, bitch, smile, cry, smile, maybe analyze a bit more, so I can smile again. What I want, most days I have no idea. Like most women, we don’t necessarily know, we assume, and then fuck up after that point. But off course I want to be happy, sometimes happy means enjoying my own company, other nights it’s all about passion and lust, spending time with the ideal Alfa-male. A smart one though, I tend to set that as the main criteria, and fun, I like fun. Bad boys, good lips – you should try it sometime! But what I love, I really don’t know. I believe I can love, just not sure how much I´m willing to give up, never will I compromise on my individuality, go fish man… if you like that, seriously go fishing. But fish only please, I don’t play second violin. That´s all I know today, when I wake up tomorrow I might want something else. Bring it on, give me the menu so I can read, but aim to please me, without me telling you what I want, cause I don’t know, thought I did, but I don’t.

Dear Harvey

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I have been as deep as a person can be, shared all things – I couldn´t offer you anymore. I have been patient without asking for any guarantee, even continued to care when you have chosen someone else as your love. In fact, even though intelligent in life I solemnly agreed to be your second choice from the very start. I once said; admire me that much and not silently ask me to trust time to grow our love. I begged you to reveal your hidden empathy, stop repeating the words about uniqueness of a woman, to only be explained that you needed time to make a decision – cause we were alive then. “Scream with the strength of your lungs that you want me to be your woman. The one that you love, dream about and see”. Seasons changed, I felt the cold wind that started to whistle, the trust and admiration was a candle in a silent storm. The weather is greater than any game, like a blizzard I invested my all. Its not the things you said, cause you are a magician with words, its the things you didn´t do. “Just respect me enough to let me go”. I wanted true passion, cause what we had was pleasure, naked and real – but still, just a tease. “when I saw you for the first time, I just stopped. you blew me away. then when I talked with you I realised your looks was your second best asset”. You didn´t need any line or quote to capture my attention, it was there all along, you missed it cause you never took the time, you never truly looked. It´s impossible to define if you don´t pay attention, but I´m not her, I never was, and I never will be. So many people I know have truly loved, but then to let go. But I, I was probably the one who admired you the most – you, now you’re just you- and between you and me; if you offered me the world, I will say I have my own.

A woman’s worth

“All boys dream about a woman like you, but there is only one, you are really one of a kind – who would have thought that I should be so lucky , who would know that you would be mine?… wake up, press stop on my watch – we might be five more minutes; I know we are both busy, but why can’t we just stay here … suddenly we discovered the everyday life, even though we both said it was impossible for the two of us; our eyes forever in love, our minds forever attracted, our souls forever friends – perhaps it was naive to think? … My woman, please look at me now, you know I’m still so ridiculously in love – I can´t believe you are still here, close to me, next to me, with me – it´s all to much to breath in, unreal to comprehend … you are so adorable … I lie here while you are still sleeping and thinking to myself how lucky I am to wake up with the world’s most beautiful woman again … remember how the two of us could spend all night to talk about nothing … Suddenly it was waking up early, out the door, late home and hit the sack, one day I even packed my bags, stood up , ‘I ‘m not coming back ‘… how could I be saying that shit when I know deep inside; you are the one that I want! I could say it never will ‘ become ‘ the same – that we have argued for the last time … but I know you´re worth the fight, ever since the Stupid I have realized that we can´t be picture perfect, we both know its madness; crazy, stupid, but its our kind of love … Please look at me now, you know it’s still us against the whole world and you should know that I would do it all again for a woman like you, I was even thinking we could settle down…you are the very first thing I want to see, the reason why I hurry home, even if you are driving me crazy at times; you the one I love and my best friend … Now I lie still before we go to sleep and think to myself how lucky I am, and that I can say goodnight to the world’s most beautiful woman, again, today…”

Love her today, tomorrow she might be gone.

2014

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A new year to enter;
I´m leaving some thoughts behind.
All I want is to be happy,
find peace of mind.
Let laughter fill out every void;
don’t waste time on being annoyed.
Smile a little brighter each day,
look for good things and make them stay.
Engage in some great conversations,
across cultures, beyond nations.
Say yes when I really feel like saying no;
dare to dream, dare to grow.
Here´s to a fresh start;
use your mind and follow your heart.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Closer together

Our hands braided together as we are lying close, bodies warm, just existing in one moment. Silence roar, the feeling of presence, I feel so safe. We share the same beat, fearless and open; on the top of the world. The kisses are intense and passion plays the role of karma. For one moment in our lives we are one. I close my eyes, accept this as one of our many stories, yet, it is the one I never understood. 

My illusion, my mistake

My illusion, my mistake – is there somehow I can make it all undone, because I was finally moving on. I was balancing the emotions and the hurt, started to believe the pain someday would be gone, out of sight, out of mind. I create the drama, I keep on hurting myself over and over, blaming the game on you – when its really me that fails to see my spoken words come true. You can only go on for so long, telling yourself it is him that is doing it all wrong. When all he spoke was his mind, I had the urge to retell the words as if he was unkind. Its easier to hurt the feelings of another person than to stand up admitting you are lost. Its easier to turn the cold act on, trying to fool the other you won. Never will there be a price or scene that can say it all, make all people in a competition stand tall. But when it comes to feelings, know that they are inside of you – but you have to chose which you allow to shine through. So once more I will persuade myself I am ready to move on, try to this time really leave, be gone. I am not afraid that my strong feelings for you will never go away, but rather that I will continue to sabotage the good things that comes my way. I have to pick myself up and try again, take a leap of faith – only then I am free to create.

friends

I collect great friends; the ones that no matter what stays the same.

We courage each-other to live and pursue, see obstacle and challenges through.

And sometimes even the best fall, then the others make sure applause roar.

To experience all sides also mean to reveal the things you urge to hide.

A true friend never judge you based on external content, they will rather ask you what you meant.

One by one we keep the memories alive, together we have decided to stay true to our drive.

Nothing fancy, just honest and humble – cause everyone in life at some point stumble.

I might not have it all, but I know I have what I need – my circle, we help each-other succeed.