Life seems to surprise me sometimes, the endless battles created in the mind. The drama, I´m not free of that, hell, some days I push repeat, touch shuffle play to create chaos, drama is so much better when you add spices. You should try it sometime! Why I do it? Add them all and mix´em up? So I can share blame, smile, bitch, smile, cry, smile, maybe analyze a bit more, so I can smile again. What I want, most days I have no idea. Like most women, we don’t necessarily know, we assume, and then fuck up after that point. But off course I want to be happy, sometimes happy means enjoying my own company, other nights it’s all about passion and lust, spending time with the ideal Alfa-male. A smart one though, I tend to set that as the main criteria, and fun, I like fun. Bad boys, good lips – you should try it sometime! But what I love, I really don’t know. I believe I can love, just not sure how much I´m willing to give up, never will I compromise on my individuality, go fish man… if you like that, seriously go fishing. But fish only please, I don’t play second violin. That´s all I know today, when I wake up tomorrow I might want something else. Bring it on, give me the menu so I can read, but aim to please me, without me telling you what I want, cause I don’t know, thought I did, but I don’t.
A new year to enter;
I´m leaving some thoughts behind.
All I want is to be happy,
find peace of mind.
Let laughter fill out every void;
don’t waste time on being annoyed.
Smile a little brighter each day,
look for good things and make them stay.
Engage in some great conversations,
across cultures, beyond nations.
Say yes when I really feel like saying no;
dare to dream, dare to grow.
Here´s to a fresh start;
use your mind and follow your heart.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
They say that the extremes are what really captures humans attention, that it is sometimes easier to feel strong when you feel provocation, hate, love, hurt, happiness – in any form, just as long as it is that one-of-a-kind, over-the-top, the too-good-to-be-true, that uncontrollable extreme. I can be the first to admit that everyday life at times can be so routine and boring that I urge to dramatize my life into becoming more action-filled, probably almost to a level where it is comparable to a thriller-drama-chick-flick-romantic-comedy. I laugh, and sometimes I cry – to only maybe figure out why. But when, and is it even possible to be content, furthermore happy with everyday life – the government grey, the predictable monday to friday? How is it that you sometimes wish you could be the average Julie, the girl that knew from age 15 what she wanted to be when she grew up, the girl that found a stable man while studying to only move in with him when around 25-ish. The kind of girl that works hard, is always understanding, loving and caring, spends her weekends baking cupcakes and going to the movies with her boyfriend. During her studies she got the right internships, and graduated top five of her class and after two job applications got that stabile, 8-4 work schedule and still have time for baking cupcakes? I still have to add that she is the same girl who travels Europe the summer when she turns twenty-eight, she travels with her boyfriend to only understand that they are more in love than ever (!!), and to discover herself on the top of the Eiffeltower or in front of the Fountain de Trevi with a 2 carat diamond-ring on her finger that he got from his mother. Listening to myself writing this, to be honest it bores me, does it bore you? Cause reality strikes, I would say it sometimes hit pretty hard. How many people do I know with that story, how many Julie´s do you know? Maybe more than me, but gosh – do I have great friends. Friends that have taken their ups and downs, laughed a little, cried a little. Friends that have woken up with a banging head-ache to only look into the hair of the charming boy they met last night while drinking tequila shots in his messy bachelor crib. Friends that did not finish top five at the university, maybe they didn´t enroll at all. Friends that have had their heart torn in ways I cannot even describe. Friends that did not get their career calling when aged fifteen, and still haven’t, even though they are passed twenty-ten. Friends that does not look like Victoria Secret models or Calvin Klein hunks when they wake up in the morning, or even after being to the spa. Friends that live in one-bed apartments because buying another is out of their economic range. Friends that have been played and played back, even some that have cheated and said hurtful things, and friends that don’t bake. It might be too honest and noting like we like to admit – but they are all so real – with flaws and all, I love them, unconditionally. But I will admit this much; between you and me, sometimes I wish I was her, the perfect Julie, because she does not on paper live the extremes, she is only drawn as an illusion by me, cause I know so few like her. With all her perfectness in life, she becomes an extreme in a society where the less charming reality strikes..
I will continue to travel the world, be kind of un-predictable at times, make my own case-studies, search for love that makes my knees like jello, collect friends with all flaws because they accept all of mine. The stories, I have a few, and they have allowed me to appreciate a specter of emotions, situations, people and all that life keeps on giving – the extremes you say? Normal…Never did I know how much I love you.
Wake me up when I realize life is now, love is a prize, I should not hide. Make me laugh without the fear of crying, teach me how to scream of joy, wake me up to a world that is not ice-cold. Wake me up when what I seem to understand is real, when the person I keep close is sincere. Make me hug without the fear of being left behind, show how an embrace can balance my mind. Wake me up so my desire once again can burn, when no stone will be left unturned. Wake me up when I am stronger, when I am over the lost lover. Wake me up when its all over, when I´m wiser, when I´m older.
A closure, the end – nothing more to pretend. Hearing you breathing, for the first time it felt without meaning. Don’t tell me what to believe, how it was all your fault – this was just ice-cold. I scream my tears, cry my words, cause tonight it all really hurts.
How is it that our patience can be stretched beyond reasonable time when a lover, friend or family connection need you to just wait and be there? How is it that small things become so enormously important trying to keep the love alive in everyday life? How is it that the time in your life when everything happens at once you find strength and courage to say, bring it on? How is it that when you feel the anger burning inside, you find your diplomatic calmness like a breeze in the heat to act rationally? How is it that the moment you smile you feel like crying because it is just not enough to smile, you feel like someone touched your heart, you are moved? How is it that all emotions seem to collaborate and give you your unique experiences, your thoughts that lead to action, making you into the person you are?
I have many times asked myself the big “what if” – and yes, you elaborate a dream escaping into your own world creating scenarios to scenes, emotions to characters and looks in peoples eyes. But I have learned to think before I act, accepting emotions as a beautiful part of me, controlling the extremes and soaking in the wild. No recipe or conclusion, just live – day by day, because tomorrow will never be the same as today.
Our hands braided together as we are lying close, bodies warm, just existing in one moment. Silence roar, the feeling of presence, I feel so safe. We share the same beat, fearless and open; on the top of the world. The kisses are intense and passion plays the role of karma. For one moment in our lives we are one. I close my eyes, accept this as one of our many stories, yet, it is the one I never understood.